Out of This World
by coffeebuddha
Summary: "I swear, Spencer, sometimes it's like you aren't even human." Join Spencer as he attempts to understand emotions, decipher confusing cultural idiosyncrasies, and learn what it means to be human. Or, you know, an alien pretending to be human.
1. Out of This World

This chapter takes place immediately after 3x14 _Damaged.

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"So, you honestly never heard the 'kissing in a tree' song before today?"

Spencer supposed he should have been grateful that Derek managed to wait until they were back at his apartment before bringing up his apparent cultural slip from earlier.

"No, I hadn't," he said as he plumped his pillow and kicked off his slippers. Derek burrowed under the comforter and reached out to tug Spencer down on top of him. "Is it really that big of a deal?

"I guess not, but I didn't think it was possible to grow up in the States without hearing it at least once." Derek laughed and slipped Spencer's glasses off of his face, tossing them on the bedside table with a practiced flip of his wrist. "I swear, Spencer, sometimes it's like you aren't even human."

Spencer huffed and shifted uncomfortably, but Derek just pulled him down for a sweet kiss and smiled. "Don't get grumpy, pretty boy," he said soothingly. "It's adorable. Really."

Spencer waited until Derek's breathing was deep and even with sleep before easing out of bed and creeping down the hallway to his living room. With a cautionary glance at the half closed bedroom door, Spencer pressed an innocent looking knob on his bookshelf, triggering a hidden drawer to spring out. He carefully withdrew a slim, metallic pad and started to type.

'Your concerns regarding the hostility of the humans are well founded, but it would appear that they are too busy developing new ways to torture each other to spend any time looking in our direction. This does not mean that your suggestion that we reveal ourselves to them would be a good idea. Even they seem to be of the opinion that their first instinct would be to respond with violence. While contact is still an option, if command does decide to go that route, I would advise extreme caution and waiting possibly another generation.

'In regards to the questions you raised in your latest message, I feel it is unfair to postulate that my reasons for furthering my dalliance with the human Derek Morgan have to do with anything other than professional research. He provides me with a unique outlook and insight into human behavior, specifically regarding their intimate personal relationships. To say that I am close with him because of any emotional attachment or fondness would be false to the point of hilarity.

'However, I think that I should once again point out the mental strain that my second in command has suffered since our arrival on this planet. It is my opinion that her growing inability to cope with our mission is putting the entire operation at risk. She is on a downward spiral, often slipping into delusions of being on our home planet. While the humans seem to think she is merely ill, I am concerned not only for her welfare, but also for what it would mean if she should compromise our human identities. Our daily correspondence only substantiates my concerns. It is my opinion that everyone involved would be best served by her returning home to formally present the information that we have gathered up to this point. I am confident that I can complete the mission on my own, even if it might take a little longer than we had originally planned. Say, another fifty, sixty Earth years?

'On a side note, there has been an Agent Mulder spending an unusual amount of time around the office of my cover job. I'm unaware of exactly what his job entails, but he has been asking some potentially dangerous questions. Perhaps it would be wise to arrange for a few distractions for him?

'Attached to this message, you will find several files regarding various flora that are currently being used in human medical experiments. If anything appears useful, I will make arrangements to send you samples. I have also enclosed a few of the Earthlings' movies, specifically ones pertaining to their initial reactions to 'aliens'. I believe that the commander in particular will be intrigued by the one entitled Mars Attacks.'

Spencer tapped the key to send his message, hid the tablet back in its drawer, and returned to the bedroom, where he laid down next to Derek, curled up against him, and fell asleep with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

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_**Dick**__: Mary, there's something I have to tell you. I come from another world._

_**Mary**__: And this is news?_

_~Third Rock from the Sun

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Ah, welcome to my cracky Alien!Reid world. After this chapter, I'll be jumping back to Spencer's childhood.

Feedback is always appreciated.


	2. Crazy Little Thing Called What?

Takes place preseries, probably somewhere around 1990-1991.

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'As I have already informed command once, my former second in command has requested and been granted permission to return home because of various familial problems. I would reiterate my desire that there be no mark made against him in his record. However, if things go well and he rejoins the mission, I feel it would be wise to keep him separate from the family unit that we have formed, because of our cover story for his departure.

'It would appear that our bodies are undergoing a bizarre negative reaction to his leaving. I often feel an emptiness in my chest cavity and my eyes leak in a way similar to their response to physical pain, whereas my newly appointed second in command has taken to her sleeping quarters with a box of soft papers called tissues and a supply of 'chocolate'. In addition to these alarming developments, I must report that I find myself much more fond of my SIC than ever before, and often find myself seeking her approval, opinion, and affection in instances where I would previously not have. It is all most unsettling and peculiar .

'Human emotions are proving to be an almost daunting subject to study. I have been forced to conclude that most humans spend the entirety of their lives teetering on the brink of emotional instability. While it's admirable that they have managed as much as they have with such a handicap, it seems that they might be better served if these chemical responses could be controlled.

'Since the departure of my former SIC, several of the teachers at the primitive learning facility that I am forced to attend have inquired about my emotional well being, usually employing phrases like 'hang in there, son', 'it takes time to heal', and 'you have to be a strong little soldier'. This baffles me, as I am merely their student and have no deeper bond with any of them, yet they seem to feel for me in my current situation. The humans call it empathy. It is an admirable trait, yet not entirely welcome. They often try to express their support for my plight through physical contact, almost always in the form of a 'hug'.

'Humans hug by wrapping their arms around each other-most often the torso or shoulders. The duration and physical closeness of these hugs seem proportional to how emotionally attached the two huggers are, although it seems that platonic attachment and romantic attachment are not interchangeable in this instance. Given the stigmas that our society places on any sort of unbonded or nonfamilial physical contact, you will surely understand my discomfort in this situation. However, it seems that only accepting these hugs will convince my well wishers that I am 'okay'. A most unpleasant dilemma.

'My SIC, as a female of the species, experiences monthly hormonal fluctuations that leave her quite irrational and volatile. My hormone levels seem stable enough for now, but my research indicates that in the next two to three Earth years, my human body should undergo 'puberty', which will apparently cause a great deal of 'emotional upheaval'. I'm still a little confused as to what it will all entail, but the book I obtained on the subject, _Boys' Puberty_, raises some alarming questions that it fails to answer to my satisfaction. I have enclosed a copy for your personal viewing in the hope that you will make more sense of it than I could.'

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_I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them. ~ Oscar Wilde_

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If you've read my profile, then you might remember where I said this: I'm very appreciative of any and all feedback, even negative. If you don't like or disagree with something I've written, then please let me know why...I know I'm not perfect, so as long as you're civil with your criticisms/corrections I won't get offended.

Just to clarify? This? _Ummm...Morgan and Reid Not gonna heppens this wasa so sick!EEEWWWW...I puke a little in my mouth! _That's not civil or constructive or even intelligent. It's not even attacking the story so much as the pairing. You know, the pairing that was clearly indicated by Morgan and Reid being the two main characters of the fic, which has romance selected as one of the genres. If she hates the pairing so much, why read the fic? And what baffles me even more is that the person who wrote it added this story to her Story Alerts. Seriously. I'm baffled. I'm so baffled that the only word I can think of to describe how I'm feeling is baffled. Who does that? So, to reiterate, constructive reviews, even the negative ones, are appreciated. Flat out flames? Not so much.

_Boys' Puberty_ by Alain Chirinian is a real book that was published in 1990, during which time Spencer would have been roughly 9-10, which I'm 95% sure was how old he was when his dad left them.* I haven't read it, so I don't know exactly what it contains, but I would assume that its contents would be somewhat alarming to an alien who was about to go through puberty.

*In the episode 'Masterpiece', 4x08, Spencer says, "I'm 27. As of last month, I'm 27." The episode aired in November of 2008. I'm positive that Reid said what his exact age was when his father left, but I can't find it listed anywhere online and I don't particularly have the patience right now to comb through episodes until I find that little bit of trivia. Coffeebuddha brand fanfiction, now with 50% more fact checking in its crack!

Constructive feedback is always appreciated.


	3. The Innocence of Children

'My SIC, while operating under the guise of my mother, has obtained a 'playmate' for me. Humans place an inordinate amount of importance on social interaction, especially during their early years, and so we have decided that we will blend in better if I appear to have 'friends'. He is intelligent enough for a human and seems to view my ability to best him in every subject as some sort of personal challenge. I find him to be unobjectionable.

'While we met at a science fair-if you can call such elementary trifles 'science'-he seems more interested in a genre of fiction called 'science fiction' than real scientific study. It it proving difficult to pinpoint an exact definition for it, but from what I can tell it appears to be a combination of hopeful speculation and pseudo science. There doesn't appear to be any real redeeming value for it other than the entertainment that it provides for humans, but I have agreed to let Ethan introduce me to it with something called 'Star Wars'. I do not anticipate that I'll impressed.'

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'Because of my scores on a variety of 'placement exams', it has been suggested that I leave behind my current learning facility and begin attending one that caters to older, presumably smarter humans. My intelligence is apparently considered quite advanced for a human of my age. I will keep you informed on the social interactions in this new environment.'

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'Human science fiction is wildly inaccurate, yet I find myself unable to keep from returning to it time and again for further study. It is amazing what humans believe is possible and at the same time are capable of completely overlooking. In addition to the Star Wars movies that I mentioned earlier, I am also enclosing copies of a television serial entitled Star Trek. I believe command will be as intrigued and entertained as I was by their portrayals of space travel and other races.'

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'The 'high school' that I have started to attend is a very peculiar place. The humans here seem to delight in torturing each other, employing techniques ranging from physical assault to simply refusing to acknowledge that an individual exists. The males of the species are more violent, while the psychological warfare usually falls to the females, although I have witnessed some crossover.

'A few of the females initially seemed to have decided to adopt me into their 'clique' as a 'pet' or 'mascot' under the provision that I complete their studies for them. When I refused-how will these humans ever progress if they do not constantly endeavor to better themselves through hard academic work?-they reversed their decision and began to act quite coldly toward me. Among the student body, I am most commonly referred to as 'that little fag'. I do not yet know exactly what that means, but from the way they say it, I doubt it is an endearment.'

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'Upon further research, I have concluded that it is definitely meant to be considered a derogatory term that speculates on my sexual orientation. I will never understand humans and their unsettling preoccupation with gender.'

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'The human Ethan has introduced me to another television series called Doctor Who. After command views it, I believe they will better understand my recent request to attend a human college with the express purpose of obtaining the title of Doctor. It is a very human joke, and one that I believe you will find as amusing as I do.'

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'I have speculated in past reports that the reason most of the animals on this planet have an adverse reaction to me is because their heightened senses allow them to come to the conclusion that there is something different about me. While I have no proof for this theory, I believe that this planet's youths have a similar ability. If they do not, then I can think of no explanation for their adverse reactions to me. I have done everything I can think of, including pointing out and offering to help them with their academic shortcomings, but they remain distant and callous. I do not understand it.'

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'Human adolescents are cruel, unfeeling creatures. The level of their brutality toward each other is only bound by the limitations of their imaginations, which are vast indeed. I ask that you not request the details of how I came to this conclusion and will offer only this. Were I not leaving this institution for a higher learning facility in a few short months, suggesting that we write the species off completely and leave them to the not so tender ministrations of our less intellectually minded compatriots would be far too tempting an idea to resist.'

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'I believe I am finally beginning to understand the human obsession with companionship. Today, while he was visiting the base, Ethan remarked that I seemed 'off', which is a human way of saying that I was not acting like myself. He did not pressure me to 'talk about my feelings' as some of the adult humans keep insisting I do. Instead he suggested that we watch all of the Star Wars movies-which I sent you copies of in an earlier message-and indulge in sugary foods. This turned into a 'sleep over'-a human practice where one or more children stay at the home of another child in order to cultivate friendship, have a 'good time', and presumably give their parents a short period of peace when they may reflect on the validity of their decision to reproduce.

'While there is no logical reason for it, I find myself feeling happier than I did before his arrival. It is as if friendship has an almost mystical ability to alleviate sadness and sooth the hurts that humans inflict on each other. It is a most unusual and wonderful discovery. If we learn nothing else from the humans during the course of my reconnaissance here on Earth, let us always remember that the company of those who genuinely care for you and your well being is a truly invaluable thing.'

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_Children are remarkable for their intelligence and ardor, for their curiosity, their intolerance of shams, the clarity and ruthlessness of their vision._ _Aldous Huxley

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Feedback is always appreciated._  
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